Terrible Trends, Take Two

I know I just recently wrote about trends I hate, but I’ve been perusing the Spring/Summer looks, and I’m having a lot of feelings. There’s a lot to love: Graphic black eyeliner? Yes, please. Return of the red lip? Thank Baby Spaghetti Buddha. Suede everything? Sign me up. Trapeze skirts and glittery gogo boots? Give me all of them. But there’s even more that makes me cringe. Here’s a few I’ll be avoiding.

• Purple eye makeup. Okay, it’s better than the pink. Now you just look like a domestic abuse victim instead of a zombie junky.

• Barely brows. Yes, I said the bushy brows were wrong. But so is the other extreme. From tiny pencilled in slivers or pastel shadow filled brows to completely bleached out at Givenchy… So, so bad.

• Pastel eyeliner. None of it is good, but the worst were the weird glued on textile strips (satin at Dior, leather at Fendi.) I love the glue-on lace lashes, and I could probably get behind other materials if they were in dark colors and interesting textures, but that baby blue? Blech.

• Eyeliner as ear/lip rings. Painting on jewelry with eyeliner. That’s a thing. Why?

• Wet-look roots. I can (sort of) dig a full slicked wet-look do in the right context, but when it’s only the roots, it just looks like you haven’t washed your hair yet this week. Or styled your hair with a pork chop. Gross.

• Clumpy mascara. For the most part, I love the 60s/Twiggy inspired looks, but white eyeliner and spidery, gloopy mascara is where I get off. Buy an eyelash comb and pull yourself together. And for the love of GAWD, just STOP with the 3-D lashes.

• Falling/flyaway updos. I love a messy bun or ponytail as much as the next girl… for going to the gym. (Okay, running errands in yoga pants. Whatever.) But driving down the highway in a convertible is not a styling method. And if that isn’t bad enough, there’s whatever this is. Hairstylist Guido Palau described it as "Bjork at an 80s rave.” As if that’s something one might wish to emulate.

• Lower liner only. Don’t get me wrong, I love me some graphic black eyeliner like Batman loves black rubber, but if you only put it under your eyes, you look like a football player. Which I guess is a look if you pair it with shoulder pads… but not a pretty one.

• Cropped pant suits. Okay, look - I’m so on board with the culottes trend. The functionality of pants with the comfort of a skirt? Shut up and take my money. But please don’t pair it with a matching jacket (especially an oversized one) unless you are a prepubescent boy prior to 1965.

• Denim everything. This was a good look for about five minutes in the 70s. I won’t hold it against you if you work on a farm. Otherwise, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

• Skirts worn over dresses. Dubbed “the Fancy Apron” by Glamour. WTF? Don’t do that.