Superfluous Products
I’ve covered products you should avoid a couple times, but there’s a whole other category of junk out there to waste your money on - stuff you just don’t need. They’re everywhere really, but particularly ubiquitous on late night infomercials and in discount stores, which we all know is where the weak-willed and hopeful are nearly always separated from their hard earned cash. Here are a few of the more ridiculous items you absolutely can do without.
Sock buns. (Web monkey Stacey refers to these as either “foam doughnuts” or “mesh anuses”. Depending on the material, obviously. And loves them, for the record. Or at least she did before she cut off her entire ponytail with a razor blade. But that’s a whole other post, probably.) First off, I don’t know how to say this delicately, but… If you can’t get your long hair into a smooth bun without equipment, you should probably just pay a professional to do your hair. But even if that isn’t an option, there’s no reason to go buy special product (that unless you have very long and thick hair is probably going to peek out and tell on you) when you can, as the name implies, literally use an old sock.
Hair volumizing inserts (Bumpit). In the same vein as the sock bun, these hard plastic devices are secured (though never particularly well) under a smoothed top layer of hair to mimic a high crown. The question is… why? The directions tell you to backcomb anyway to keep it in place, so why not just use a little texturizer and backcomb it enough to reach the volume you’re looking for? If you just don’t have enough hair to get the volume you want, you can easily make a rat with your own hair - just collect it from your brush until you have enough to roll into the shape and size you want, then secure the seam with a needle and thread - that will be infinitely more comfortable as well as not looking like a weird piece of plastic stuck in your hair if it peeks out.
Eyebrow stencils. Think about it. Faces come in infinite shapes and sizes. How likely do you suppose it is that a box with two or three shapes and sizes of eyebrow stencils are going to suit your face? Not. It is not likely. If you struggle to find the right shape for your face, just go to a salon and have a pro do it. Please.
Eye and lip makeup transfers. Okay, I get it. These are kind of like grown up temporary tattoos and come in fun colors and designs that are difficult and costly to reproduce yourself, particularly if you are not a MUA. But we run into the same problem here as with the stencils - if your eye or mouth shape and size don’t fit into a very narrow definition of “normal” (basically white, of average size, and perfectly smooth and symmetrical), you’re unlikely to be satisfied with the results. If you want intricate makeup designs and can’t justify hiring a pro, I suggest you invest in some pro quality brushes and products, watch tutorials, and practice, practice, practice.
Buffing hair removers. Guys. Do you really need me to tell you these are crap? If it rubs hard enough to break through hair follicles, it rubs hard enough that it’s taking off too many layers of skin. If you really don’t want to tweeze, wax, shave, or use depilatories, just be hairy. You won’t be any less of a woman and no one will stop loving you except your aesthetician, who would stop loving you for using a home method anyway. I promise.
