Terrible Trends: Fall 2015

I’m clearly slacking, dear readers. The Fall 2015 runway shows happened weeks ago, and I haven’t even told you which trends I want to tie to a railroad track yet. I will take my lashings like a woman applying eyeliner… Which is to say that every part of my body from the neck down could be bleeding and on fire, and I will not flinch. (Anyone who says “man up” can kiss my sweet lily lady tush.) Now that we have that visual out of the way (You’re welcome!), on to a couple trends I can do without.

The deep side part. You look like a middle-aged hippie dude trying to look respectable with a combover. Stop it. Surprisingly enough, this is the only hair-don’t I’m going to talk about - this season’s ponytails are sleek and clean (unlike Spring’s), and I really like all the simple updos on the runway this year. (Sidenote to Vogue, though - how the hell is a tight chignon in any way subversive? I don’t think that word means what you think it means.)

Smudged mascara. I’m providing a link here, because I feel like this is so ridiculous that no one will believe it’s a real thing. I’m not sure I believe it’s a real thing. I think maybe someone sent a model down the runway with messed up makeup and is real good at BS. Just say “no” to smudge, people. It’s a gateway to leaving the house with lipstick on your teeth. Wait… have I just predicted next year’s big “surprise” trend?

Goth lips. Yes, I wore near-black lipstick in the 90s, too. No, it didn’t look good then, either. But at least it made sense when we were dressed in head-to-toe black velvet and lace (or leather and metal - whatever). With a cute little party dress or a blazer, you look kind of like a vampire who just hasn’t figured out what she is yet. Like you’re still trying to find yourself in the mirror. You can see yourself, right?

Man buns. (added by Jenn) I'm so over this trend already. Okay, cool, you have long(ish) hair. Which is why we think you're pretty. But the messy man buns have to stop. You are just looking like every girl on the planet who has just finished cleaning the bathroom, and trust me, that just isn't sexy. Let the hair flow, man. Buns have always been the main-stay of people just trying to keep the hair out of their faces while doing something productive. It's not a fashion statement. Just STAHPIT. Right now.

**Note: The photo included in this post was published in Solis Magazine, Freque Magazine, and Plenilune Magazine. It is an artistic interpretation, and is not meant to portray the ideas included in this post for everyday use. In otherwords, don't try this at home. Please.